Pain

For the first time in almost a year I am crying. The last time I cried was when my best friend died in August, 08.

No-one has died this time, instead I am in the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, several teeth in my lower left jaw have decayed quite badly due to the extremely acidic Suboxone that is dissolved in my mouth daily, coating my teeth and eroding into the tooth pulp...right where the nerves are, exposed and letting me know about it.

These tears I am releasing are tears of frustration, for I am at my wits end. I am in pain every single day in some way or another and have been for quite a few years and this dental pain is becoming unbearable. When it flares it really hits hard.

Being poor really sucks too. It could take another year to get into the public dental clinic to have the offending teeth removed. Unless some miracle happens, I am doomed to be in agonizing pain for a long time coming and that thought makes me want to kill myself. Everyone just says 'go get them ripped out' like it's so easy and affordable.

It is heartless and cruel of my Dr to deny me effective pain relief when he has examined my teeth first hand. He claims Suboxone would do the job in stopping pain (lol), but of course he has never taken Suboxone and has no clue that one becomes immune to the analgesic effects of the drug. I need Oxycodone. The most effective opiated pain relievers are those that occupy the mind the most.

At this moment I am seriously considering requesting a switch to Methadone as it's probably the only thing my doctor might consider to help my pain...it is not healthy to have to take an overdose of Tramadol for pain relief. Clove oil and benzocaine only work to slightly dull the pain.

God take me now or please make some effective pain relief come my way.

If only...

The Pain - The Dog -

Consuming copious amounts of strong hot tea as is the norm, I'm feeling quite buzzed this morning; this is always a good sign that my day might be ok!

The dental pain has subsided to a tolerable light ache and the Tramadol has worn off. I have none of these pills left now thanks to my desperation binge yesterday, now I'm down to clove oil with benzocaine. Such is my life and this is the norm.

Waiting for that letter in the mail confirming my dental operation is just as agonizing as the pain. Relying on the public health system has its downfalls...

As my dog lays next to me snoring and I look down at him, I'm struck by a feeling that could be described as love or compassion. It makes me realize I genuinely enjoy his company and I really would be devastated were he to go missing or die.

He doesn't answer back and is always happy to see me, unless he senses that I am in a dark mood, whereupon he'll just sit and watch me until I call him over. It's awesome that he knows when I need company and when I need to be alone! Good boy!

I don't want any human company today.

It is written.