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Finally, after such a lengthy time I finally relented and sought dental help and got my very aching tooth pulled. Fuck man, the relief I feel right now is amazing. Granted, the tooth still hurts but it is piss weak pain compared to the stabbing knife pains!
It was only after an essentially forced visit to ER by my mother that I went. At least I was given an Oxycodone script for 20 x 5mg tabs, fuck, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! These pills helped in the few days it took to get into a dentist.
Now I'm on Augmentin Duo Forte (Amoxycillin/Clavulanic Acid) for the infection which decided to settle in two days after the painful tooth was pulled.
My garden is looking extremely well and I hope to have some new pics up very soon, although not many more varieties of flowers have emerged beside the Giganteum poppies.
I won't right much more for now as no mofo reads this shit anyway! If you do well god damn me and drop a line!
4:19am as I begin this post thanks to yet another early wakening thanks to the oh so familiar jaw pain. Anyway off that shit...
I've been reading a fascinating yet extremely disturbing true life book called 'The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things' by J.T. Leroy...it is a book that must be read to comprehend the horror of this story and journey.
As I sit here smoking some quality dope, I'm finally allowed some respite from severe pain...it's now just an ever present throb. Maybe Valium will help relax me too!
I have to meet up with my ex-man later today for us to return each others belonging. Originally he was being a horrid bastard the past few weeks but yesterday surprised me by not demanding all the gifts back as he was doing recently.
I hope it all goes well and I shall relate what happened here later on.
With Love and Light and lots of 11:11's to you all :)
Exhausted. Another sleepless night endured. Desire to sleep is almost overwhelming and I struggle to find the correct words to use in my typing. It has just hit 11:30am and I've been awake since 4.13am yesterday morning.
What is the main cause of my insomnia? Well currently it is pain. My fucking jaw throbs so damn bad at night as soon as I lay down. The trouble is, I cannot fall asleep sitting up so I spent the a large portion of the night sitting huddled with head and arms on knees. I was wishing for death. I am so close to snapping as this ever continuing pain is butchering my enjoyment of, and enthusiasm for, life itself.
I dream of the day when my turn comes for the dental clinic and I can get the offending teeth treated appropriately. Right now I also dream of consuming copious amounts of Morphine and other opiates to just be free of the pain. I just want to feel happy and balanced and not always fighting the psychological effects of prolonged pain.
God, can you please help? This suffering is causing me to resent everything and everyone and that is not me.
Please pray a few words for me.
For the first time in almost a year I am crying. The last time I cried was when my best friend died in August, 08.
No-one has died this time, instead I am in the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, several teeth in my lower left jaw have decayed quite badly due to the extremely acidic Suboxone that is dissolved in my mouth daily, coating my teeth and eroding into the tooth pulp...right where the nerves are, exposed and letting me know about it.
These tears I am releasing are tears of frustration, for I am at my wits end. I am in pain every single day in some way or another and have been for quite a few years and this dental pain is becoming unbearable. When it flares it really hits hard.
Being poor really sucks too. It could take another year to get into the public dental clinic to have the offending teeth removed. Unless some miracle happens, I am doomed to be in agonizing pain for a long time coming and that thought makes me want to kill myself. Everyone just says 'go get them ripped out' like it's so easy and affordable.
It is heartless and cruel of my Dr to deny me effective pain relief when he has examined my teeth first hand. He claims Suboxone would do the job in stopping pain (lol), but of course he has never taken Suboxone and has no clue that one becomes immune to the analgesic effects of the drug. I need Oxycodone. The most effective opiated pain relievers are those that occupy the mind the most.
At this moment I am seriously considering requesting a switch to Methadone as it's probably the only thing my doctor might consider to help my pain...it is not healthy to have to take an overdose of Tramadol for pain relief. Clove oil and benzocaine only work to slightly dull the pain.
God take me now or please make some effective pain relief come my way.
If only...
Consuming copious amounts of strong hot tea as is the norm, I'm feeling quite buzzed this morning; this is always a good sign that my day might be ok!
The dental pain has subsided to a tolerable light ache and the Tramadol has worn off. I have none of these pills left now thanks to my desperation binge yesterday, now I'm down to clove oil with benzocaine. Such is my life and this is the norm.
Waiting for that letter in the mail confirming my dental operation is just as agonizing as the pain. Relying on the public health system has its downfalls...
As my dog lays next to me snoring and I look down at him, I'm struck by a feeling that could be described as love or compassion. It makes me realize I genuinely enjoy his company and I really would be devastated were he to go missing or die.
He doesn't answer back and is always happy to see me, unless he senses that I am in a dark mood, whereupon he'll just sit and watch me until I call him over. It's awesome that he knows when I need company and when I need to be alone! Good boy!
I don't want any human company today.
It is written.
Pain.
My worst enemy, yet most familiar to me.
Several painful cavities throb in my lower jaw, teeth destroyed by dissolving sublingual buprenorphine tablets. Gradually eroding the enamel off of the teeth with it's hydrochloride base. Hardcore pharmaceutical candy with a toxic lemon/lime flavor.
Being the risk taker that I am, I took a total of 10 tramadol hydrochloride (500mg) all at once to ease myself of this suffering. I am very high, and feel as if I am floating outside of my own body and that my soul is bouncing when I walk. The pain has dissipated, although I am aware that the pain is still lightly there, my mind is now occupied by the tramadol.
An uneasy thought has washed over me just now, and that is that I could be going through Serotonin Syndrome with the way I feel right now.
Tramadol doesn't feel much like other opioids, rather it feels like a cheap synthetic high. I am just happy to not be in pain for a little while. Lexapro, Tramadol and Buprenorphine are probably not the safest combination.
As I said earlier, I'm a risk taker.
And I love it!
I need caffeine...
