How I Became A Junkie

Approximately 5 years ago when I was 23, I got myself circumcised and this was the beginning of my downfall.

I was already a drug user, and at the time I was withdrawing from a Xanax addiction. After the operation I was given Oxycodone tablets...and I loved them and how they made me feel so damn good and pain free. I kept taking Oxycodone and when I ran out I began using large amounts of Codeine and over the years the amount I was taking grew considerably.

3 years later and very heavily addicted to opiates I am grossing 1000mg+ a day of Codeine. I could not control the urge to be high 24/7 and I was scared to death of withdrawal.

I had a pharmacy roster and had over 40 regular pharmacies I would travel to to acquire codeine tablets. It was when some of the pharmacists got suspicious and banned me from buying codeine that I went to the Drug Treatment centre and sought help in the form of Suboxone.

And to this day I am still on Suboxone. This technically I am still a junkie.

Got questions? Ask and I shall answer...

With Love and Light

Pain

For the first time in almost a year I am crying. The last time I cried was when my best friend died in August, 08.

No-one has died this time, instead I am in the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, several teeth in my lower left jaw have decayed quite badly due to the extremely acidic Suboxone that is dissolved in my mouth daily, coating my teeth and eroding into the tooth pulp...right where the nerves are, exposed and letting me know about it.

These tears I am releasing are tears of frustration, for I am at my wits end. I am in pain every single day in some way or another and have been for quite a few years and this dental pain is becoming unbearable. When it flares it really hits hard.

Being poor really sucks too. It could take another year to get into the public dental clinic to have the offending teeth removed. Unless some miracle happens, I am doomed to be in agonizing pain for a long time coming and that thought makes me want to kill myself. Everyone just says 'go get them ripped out' like it's so easy and affordable.

It is heartless and cruel of my Dr to deny me effective pain relief when he has examined my teeth first hand. He claims Suboxone would do the job in stopping pain (lol), but of course he has never taken Suboxone and has no clue that one becomes immune to the analgesic effects of the drug. I need Oxycodone. The most effective opiated pain relievers are those that occupy the mind the most.

At this moment I am seriously considering requesting a switch to Methadone as it's probably the only thing my doctor might consider to help my pain...it is not healthy to have to take an overdose of Tramadol for pain relief. Clove oil and benzocaine only work to slightly dull the pain.

God take me now or please make some effective pain relief come my way.

If only...

Eleven Eleven -

All better! With a fresh 8mg worth of Buprenorphine inhabiting my receptors, my sense of well being is at optimum levels. It's all perfect...except I need a cigarette and I got none! Think I may turn to nicotine lozenges for awhile as cigarettes are becoming ridiculously expensive. Thank you Australian Govt, for taxing cigarettes to an extraordinarily ridiculous level. They must really care about us!!! Or is it the money?

What to do for the rest of my day off work?

Oh and right now I just glanced at the clock and of course it reads 11:11 am. Another 11:11 time prompt...

I see at least four 11:11's a day and not just on digital clocks. They are appearing everywhere, from architecture to mobile phone!! Please do let me know if you experience these time prompts yourself and share what the 11:11 visions mean to you personally.



I am truly beginning to believe that 11:11 time prompts are a wake up call to those who experience them. To wake us up and help us realize who we truly are. For we are all eternal and beautiful spiritual being, all connected yet all uniquely individual. We are the product of intelligent design. We are love.

I Am.

With Love and Light

Worry is a Bitch - Without Drugs

Here I sit this cold Thursday morning, unmedicated and feeling very uneasy. I don't like feeling like this, not one bit. I've yet to visit the pharmacy to get today's and the next few days doses of Suboxone.

Granted my mind is clearer than 'normal', but when I'm unmedicated for hours upon waking, the shy and withdrawn 'me' that once was is dominant. Sickened by my love of pharmaceutical compounds, this is when I most desire to stop using all medications. Although I am on a very slow reduction of Suboxone at 1mg per month, this has been halted by my doctor due to emerging disturbances in my mood.

But then again, perhaps I am here to experience these things and not worry so much about whether I am on Suboxone or Lexapro etc. To just enjoy my life instead of worrying about everything. I just despise withdrawal.

This is why I don't like to be without my drugs, I actually take the time to worry about things when I'm without!

I much prefer to live by the advice of Maharaji, and have inner peace whilst still doing all the things I enjoy.

If it is meant to happen, it will.

With Love and Light.

Pop That Tramadol Baby!

Pain.

My worst enemy, yet most familiar to me.

Several painful cavities throb in my lower jaw, teeth destroyed by dissolving sublingual buprenorphine tablets. Gradually eroding the enamel off of the teeth with it's hydrochloride base. Hardcore pharmaceutical candy with a toxic lemon/lime flavor.

Being the risk taker that I am, I took a total of 10 tramadol hydrochloride (500mg) all at once to ease myself of this suffering. I am very high, and feel as if I am floating outside of my own body and that my soul is bouncing when I walk. The pain has dissipated, although I am aware that the pain is still lightly there, my mind is now occupied by the tramadol.

An uneasy thought has washed over me just now, and that is that I could be going through Serotonin Syndrome with the way I feel right now.

Tramadol doesn't feel much like other opioids, rather it feels like a cheap synthetic high. I am just happy to not be in pain for a little while. Lexapro, Tramadol and Buprenorphine are probably not the safest combination.

As I said earlier, I'm a risk taker.

And I love it!

I need caffeine...

No Love Is Bad

During a recent seance held by myself and a good friend, using a self designed Talking Board; I had the opportunity to speak to my deceased cousin/best friend who died August 9, 2008.

One thing I cannot remove from my mind is the 'message' I was given. That message is the title of this blog post...No Love Is Bad. I'm still trying to make sense of this message, yet I know deep in my heart it is true and that I have problems with loving others and being loved myself.

What I don't know is why I have problems with love...is it because I am doped to the eyeball on Escitalopram (Lexapro) and Buprenorphine (Suboxone), Caffeine and Nicotine? Being on antidepressant medication for a decade and being opiate dependent for the last half of that decade may be a strong decisive factor in my ability to feel normal.

Pretty much all day, every day I feel 'nothing'. Only fury and rage when I DO feel anything. I get the impression that this lack of feeling is horribly contrary to being human...yet it is comforting to not experience daily anxiety, depression and self loathing.

This is why I want to disappear.

Growing up and experiencing relentless abuse takes its toll on a boy becoming a man. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and shown it. Boy did I get shown...the whip, the fists, the rage, the demon called dad taking all his frustrations on quiet little Anton who kept to himself.

Love.

Love. When a partner lies about having cancer, is that love? Why he did that to me, I will never understand.

One day a special someone shall come my way. Who will show me love, and show me how to love and not through deceitful means.

One day.

One day God will take me home.