Worry is a Bitch - Without Drugs

Here I sit this cold Thursday morning, unmedicated and feeling very uneasy. I don't like feeling like this, not one bit. I've yet to visit the pharmacy to get today's and the next few days doses of Suboxone.

Granted my mind is clearer than 'normal', but when I'm unmedicated for hours upon waking, the shy and withdrawn 'me' that once was is dominant. Sickened by my love of pharmaceutical compounds, this is when I most desire to stop using all medications. Although I am on a very slow reduction of Suboxone at 1mg per month, this has been halted by my doctor due to emerging disturbances in my mood.

But then again, perhaps I am here to experience these things and not worry so much about whether I am on Suboxone or Lexapro etc. To just enjoy my life instead of worrying about everything. I just despise withdrawal.

This is why I don't like to be without my drugs, I actually take the time to worry about things when I'm without!

I much prefer to live by the advice of Maharaji, and have inner peace whilst still doing all the things I enjoy.

If it is meant to happen, it will.

With Love and Light.

The Pain - The Dog -

Consuming copious amounts of strong hot tea as is the norm, I'm feeling quite buzzed this morning; this is always a good sign that my day might be ok!

The dental pain has subsided to a tolerable light ache and the Tramadol has worn off. I have none of these pills left now thanks to my desperation binge yesterday, now I'm down to clove oil with benzocaine. Such is my life and this is the norm.

Waiting for that letter in the mail confirming my dental operation is just as agonizing as the pain. Relying on the public health system has its downfalls...

As my dog lays next to me snoring and I look down at him, I'm struck by a feeling that could be described as love or compassion. It makes me realize I genuinely enjoy his company and I really would be devastated were he to go missing or die.

He doesn't answer back and is always happy to see me, unless he senses that I am in a dark mood, whereupon he'll just sit and watch me until I call him over. It's awesome that he knows when I need company and when I need to be alone! Good boy!

I don't want any human company today.

It is written.

Eternal

11:11

Why dost the double 11 follow me about so? Is it really our Creator talking?
Is God really a number? Am I losing my fucking mind as I continually ponder?

Who knows...

The desire to leave Earth is so strong it's overwhelming me. It's horrible here.
Shine the planet with beautiful Light to save her soul...if we haven't we killed her.

Mysterious Ouija provides not a glimpse of whats coming. The spirits remain strangely silent on whats next. Lying motherfuckers...

God did I not wish to be taken away? Many a time I should have died by my own hand...but then you saved me every time. Pharmaceuticals are never enough.

Obviously my Creator loves me, loves us...ALL.

Eternal.

But what to do about the next few years...

To Shine as a Twin Sun

Many years ago as a young boy he had dreams.
He couldn't wait to be older and achieve them.

Today stands a man with shattered dreams.
And a tattered and torn heart.

When my lover deceives me into thinking he had cancer...
What was I supposed to do?

So little this soul must have thought of me.
I, of course, realize he is just like everyone else...

Never hold a human being on a pedestal.
Lest you be prepared for the rude awakening.

Now I've learnt my lesson in Love.
May I never fall for it again.

I wish to hide behind our Sol.
And be reborn by Venus.

To shine as a twin Sun.
A cosmic birth, a radiant buzz.