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Psilocybe mushrooms were on the menu for yesterdays breakfast.
17 raw and fresh shrooms so generously donated to myself from a caring friend.
Oh the fun I had! Complete dissolution of the torridness of life in ever so freshly fungal form!
I must point out that mushrooms in general are my most detested of foodstuff. Awfulness with a capital A...but knowing the pleasure that awaited me; I eagerly, although with extreme difficulty, swallowed every shroom chopped up and chased with water. No chewing involved!
Most of the realizations I experienced whilst entranced were nothing short of amazing. Intimately personal, I was shown a lot about the core of my being and as a result I am feeling so much more happy with who I am and why I am here. For the moment I will not share too much as I am still remembering, comprehending and considering what I was shown about myself.
I sincerely believe that magic mushrooms are a gift from our Creator God. I have never felt so close to Him and All That Is.
Rediscovering love is something I am strongly being persuaded by my inner spirit to hurry and achieve and I desire to love all. Also, regaining empathy and to strengthen my compassion for others were also major 'messages'
Consider it.
With Love and Light.
Smile like you mean it!
During a recent seance held by myself and a good friend, using a self designed Talking Board; I had the opportunity to speak to my deceased cousin/best friend who died August 9, 2008.
One thing I cannot remove from my mind is the 'message' I was given. That message is the title of this blog post...No Love Is Bad. I'm still trying to make sense of this message, yet I know deep in my heart it is true and that I have problems with loving others and being loved myself.
What I don't know is why I have problems with love...is it because I am doped to the eyeball on Escitalopram (Lexapro) and Buprenorphine (Suboxone), Caffeine and Nicotine? Being on antidepressant medication for a decade and being opiate dependent for the last half of that decade may be a strong decisive factor in my ability to feel normal.
Pretty much all day, every day I feel 'nothing'. Only fury and rage when I DO feel anything. I get the impression that this lack of feeling is horribly contrary to being human...yet it is comforting to not experience daily anxiety, depression and self loathing.
This is why I want to disappear.
Growing up and experiencing relentless abuse takes its toll on a boy becoming a man. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and shown it. Boy did I get shown...the whip, the fists, the rage, the demon called dad taking all his frustrations on quiet little Anton who kept to himself.
Love.
Love. When a partner lies about having cancer, is that love? Why he did that to me, I will never understand.
One day a special someone shall come my way. Who will show me love, and show me how to love and not through deceitful means.
One day.
One day God will take me home.
