Worry is a Bitch - Without Drugs

Here I sit this cold Thursday morning, unmedicated and feeling very uneasy. I don't like feeling like this, not one bit. I've yet to visit the pharmacy to get today's and the next few days doses of Suboxone.

Granted my mind is clearer than 'normal', but when I'm unmedicated for hours upon waking, the shy and withdrawn 'me' that once was is dominant. Sickened by my love of pharmaceutical compounds, this is when I most desire to stop using all medications. Although I am on a very slow reduction of Suboxone at 1mg per month, this has been halted by my doctor due to emerging disturbances in my mood.

But then again, perhaps I am here to experience these things and not worry so much about whether I am on Suboxone or Lexapro etc. To just enjoy my life instead of worrying about everything. I just despise withdrawal.

This is why I don't like to be without my drugs, I actually take the time to worry about things when I'm without!

I much prefer to live by the advice of Maharaji, and have inner peace whilst still doing all the things I enjoy.

If it is meant to happen, it will.

With Love and Light.

Pop That Tramadol Baby!

Pain.

My worst enemy, yet most familiar to me.

Several painful cavities throb in my lower jaw, teeth destroyed by dissolving sublingual buprenorphine tablets. Gradually eroding the enamel off of the teeth with it's hydrochloride base. Hardcore pharmaceutical candy with a toxic lemon/lime flavor.

Being the risk taker that I am, I took a total of 10 tramadol hydrochloride (500mg) all at once to ease myself of this suffering. I am very high, and feel as if I am floating outside of my own body and that my soul is bouncing when I walk. The pain has dissipated, although I am aware that the pain is still lightly there, my mind is now occupied by the tramadol.

An uneasy thought has washed over me just now, and that is that I could be going through Serotonin Syndrome with the way I feel right now.

Tramadol doesn't feel much like other opioids, rather it feels like a cheap synthetic high. I am just happy to not be in pain for a little while. Lexapro, Tramadol and Buprenorphine are probably not the safest combination.

As I said earlier, I'm a risk taker.

And I love it!

I need caffeine...

No Love Is Bad

During a recent seance held by myself and a good friend, using a self designed Talking Board; I had the opportunity to speak to my deceased cousin/best friend who died August 9, 2008.

One thing I cannot remove from my mind is the 'message' I was given. That message is the title of this blog post...No Love Is Bad. I'm still trying to make sense of this message, yet I know deep in my heart it is true and that I have problems with loving others and being loved myself.

What I don't know is why I have problems with love...is it because I am doped to the eyeball on Escitalopram (Lexapro) and Buprenorphine (Suboxone), Caffeine and Nicotine? Being on antidepressant medication for a decade and being opiate dependent for the last half of that decade may be a strong decisive factor in my ability to feel normal.

Pretty much all day, every day I feel 'nothing'. Only fury and rage when I DO feel anything. I get the impression that this lack of feeling is horribly contrary to being human...yet it is comforting to not experience daily anxiety, depression and self loathing.

This is why I want to disappear.

Growing up and experiencing relentless abuse takes its toll on a boy becoming a man. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and shown it. Boy did I get shown...the whip, the fists, the rage, the demon called dad taking all his frustrations on quiet little Anton who kept to himself.

Love.

Love. When a partner lies about having cancer, is that love? Why he did that to me, I will never understand.

One day a special someone shall come my way. Who will show me love, and show me how to love and not through deceitful means.

One day.

One day God will take me home.