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I am terrible. When it comes to acquiring pharmaceuticals I find the actor in comes alive, and I'm no actor by all means.
This doctor I visited so apprehensively yesterday to acquire my next two months of daily drugs, and one of those drugs is a 5mg tablet called Valium. Now I don't find Valium particularly appealing myself but fuck me, whenever there is a chance to acquiring Valium (or any other quality pharm), them most likely I will take it just to see what it does!
This was yesterday, now I only have less than 15 pills and my mind is wondering where the hell they all went? Did I sleepwalk last night (as I do) and actually consume a dose equating 10 tablets? I don't remember except I slept through the whole night (first time in months!).
If this is true then I must have sleepwalked and no wonder I woke up so late today, groggy as hell!
Ah, pill adventures! Too bad I never remember them!
I tried to add a pic to this post but for some reason I cannot...
With Love and Light
4:19am as I begin this post thanks to yet another early wakening thanks to the oh so familiar jaw pain. Anyway off that shit...
I've been reading a fascinating yet extremely disturbing true life book called 'The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things' by J.T. Leroy...it is a book that must be read to comprehend the horror of this story and journey.
As I sit here smoking some quality dope, I'm finally allowed some respite from severe pain...it's now just an ever present throb. Maybe Valium will help relax me too!
I have to meet up with my ex-man later today for us to return each others belonging. Originally he was being a horrid bastard the past few weeks but yesterday surprised me by not demanding all the gifts back as he was doing recently.
I hope it all goes well and I shall relate what happened here later on.
With Love and Light and lots of 11:11's to you all :)
Being bombarded with emails, sms's, phone calls and snail mail by my ex is really beginning to cramp my style.
I'm starting to feel extremely disturbed at his attempts to make me feel bad and ever calling me nasty, saying that I take pleasure in hurting people, especially him.
Poor misguided fool. As an INFP personality type according to repeated Myers-Briggs personality tests, I know his assumptions are dead wrong and thoroughly misguided. I avoid conflict like the plague and never set out to deliberately hurt another human being, especially one I have feelings for.
What my ex man failed to realize was that one cannot have a truly open relationship with a drug addict like me. I told him this repeatedly.
Right now I've swallowed 5 Valium and 5 Tramadol just for the sake of it as I'm very upset.
We have arranged to talk tomorrow in person to return each others belongings and I sure hope it goes well.
Wish me luck
With Love and Light
Approximately 5 years ago when I was 23, I got myself circumcised and this was the beginning of my downfall.
I was already a drug user, and at the time I was withdrawing from a Xanax addiction. After the operation I was given Oxycodone tablets...and I loved them and how they made me feel so damn good and pain free. I kept taking Oxycodone and when I ran out I began using large amounts of Codeine and over the years the amount I was taking grew considerably.
3 years later and very heavily addicted to opiates I am grossing 1000mg+ a day of Codeine. I could not control the urge to be high 24/7 and I was scared to death of withdrawal.
I had a pharmacy roster and had over 40 regular pharmacies I would travel to to acquire codeine tablets. It was when some of the pharmacists got suspicious and banned me from buying codeine that I went to the Drug Treatment centre and sought help in the form of Suboxone.
And to this day I am still on Suboxone. This technically I am still a junkie.
Got questions? Ask and I shall answer...
With Love and Light
Exhausted. Another sleepless night endured. Desire to sleep is almost overwhelming and I struggle to find the correct words to use in my typing. It has just hit 11:30am and I've been awake since 4.13am yesterday morning.
What is the main cause of my insomnia? Well currently it is pain. My fucking jaw throbs so damn bad at night as soon as I lay down. The trouble is, I cannot fall asleep sitting up so I spent the a large portion of the night sitting huddled with head and arms on knees. I was wishing for death. I am so close to snapping as this ever continuing pain is butchering my enjoyment of, and enthusiasm for, life itself.
I dream of the day when my turn comes for the dental clinic and I can get the offending teeth treated appropriately. Right now I also dream of consuming copious amounts of Morphine and other opiates to just be free of the pain. I just want to feel happy and balanced and not always fighting the psychological effects of prolonged pain.
God, can you please help? This suffering is causing me to resent everything and everyone and that is not me.
Please pray a few words for me.
For the first time in almost a year I am crying. The last time I cried was when my best friend died in August, 08.
No-one has died this time, instead I am in the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, several teeth in my lower left jaw have decayed quite badly due to the extremely acidic Suboxone that is dissolved in my mouth daily, coating my teeth and eroding into the tooth pulp...right where the nerves are, exposed and letting me know about it.
These tears I am releasing are tears of frustration, for I am at my wits end. I am in pain every single day in some way or another and have been for quite a few years and this dental pain is becoming unbearable. When it flares it really hits hard.
Being poor really sucks too. It could take another year to get into the public dental clinic to have the offending teeth removed. Unless some miracle happens, I am doomed to be in agonizing pain for a long time coming and that thought makes me want to kill myself. Everyone just says 'go get them ripped out' like it's so easy and affordable.
It is heartless and cruel of my Dr to deny me effective pain relief when he has examined my teeth first hand. He claims Suboxone would do the job in stopping pain (lol), but of course he has never taken Suboxone and has no clue that one becomes immune to the analgesic effects of the drug. I need Oxycodone. The most effective opiated pain relievers are those that occupy the mind the most.
At this moment I am seriously considering requesting a switch to Methadone as it's probably the only thing my doctor might consider to help my pain...it is not healthy to have to take an overdose of Tramadol for pain relief. Clove oil and benzocaine only work to slightly dull the pain.
God take me now or please make some effective pain relief come my way.
If only...
All better! With a fresh 8mg worth of Buprenorphine inhabiting my receptors, my sense of well being is at optimum levels. It's all perfect...except I need a cigarette and I got none! Think I may turn to nicotine lozenges for awhile as cigarettes are becoming ridiculously expensive. Thank you Australian Govt, for taxing cigarettes to an extraordinarily ridiculous level. They must really care about us!!! Or is it the money?
What to do for the rest of my day off work?
Oh and right now I just glanced at the clock and of course it reads 11:11 am. Another 11:11 time prompt...
I see at least four 11:11's a day and not just on digital clocks. They are appearing everywhere, from architecture to mobile phone!! Please do let me know if you experience these time prompts yourself and share what the 11:11 visions mean to you personally.
I am truly beginning to believe that 11:11 time prompts are a wake up call to those who experience them. To wake us up and help us realize who we truly are. For we are all eternal and beautiful spiritual being, all connected yet all uniquely individual. We are the product of intelligent design. We are love.
I Am.
With Love and Light
Here I sit this cold Thursday morning, unmedicated and feeling very uneasy. I don't like feeling like this, not one bit. I've yet to visit the pharmacy to get today's and the next few days doses of Suboxone.
Granted my mind is clearer than 'normal', but when I'm unmedicated for hours upon waking, the shy and withdrawn 'me' that once was is dominant. Sickened by my love of pharmaceutical compounds, this is when I most desire to stop using all medications. Although I am on a very slow reduction of Suboxone at 1mg per month, this has been halted by my doctor due to emerging disturbances in my mood.
But then again, perhaps I am here to experience these things and not worry so much about whether I am on Suboxone or Lexapro etc. To just enjoy my life instead of worrying about everything. I just despise withdrawal.
This is why I don't like to be without my drugs, I actually take the time to worry about things when I'm without!
I much prefer to live by the advice of Maharaji, and have inner peace whilst still doing all the things I enjoy.
If it is meant to happen, it will.
With Love and Light.
Psilocybe mushrooms were on the menu for yesterdays breakfast.
17 raw and fresh shrooms so generously donated to myself from a caring friend.
Oh the fun I had! Complete dissolution of the torridness of life in ever so freshly fungal form!
I must point out that mushrooms in general are my most detested of foodstuff. Awfulness with a capital A...but knowing the pleasure that awaited me; I eagerly, although with extreme difficulty, swallowed every shroom chopped up and chased with water. No chewing involved!
Most of the realizations I experienced whilst entranced were nothing short of amazing. Intimately personal, I was shown a lot about the core of my being and as a result I am feeling so much more happy with who I am and why I am here. For the moment I will not share too much as I am still remembering, comprehending and considering what I was shown about myself.
I sincerely believe that magic mushrooms are a gift from our Creator God. I have never felt so close to Him and All That Is.
Rediscovering love is something I am strongly being persuaded by my inner spirit to hurry and achieve and I desire to love all. Also, regaining empathy and to strengthen my compassion for others were also major 'messages'
Consider it.
With Love and Light.
Smile like you mean it!
Consuming copious amounts of strong hot tea as is the norm, I'm feeling quite buzzed this morning; this is always a good sign that my day might be ok!
The dental pain has subsided to a tolerable light ache and the Tramadol has worn off. I have none of these pills left now thanks to my desperation binge yesterday, now I'm down to clove oil with benzocaine. Such is my life and this is the norm.
Waiting for that letter in the mail confirming my dental operation is just as agonizing as the pain. Relying on the public health system has its downfalls...
As my dog lays next to me snoring and I look down at him, I'm struck by a feeling that could be described as love or compassion. It makes me realize I genuinely enjoy his company and I really would be devastated were he to go missing or die.
He doesn't answer back and is always happy to see me, unless he senses that I am in a dark mood, whereupon he'll just sit and watch me until I call him over. It's awesome that he knows when I need company and when I need to be alone! Good boy!
I don't want any human company today.
It is written.
Pain.
My worst enemy, yet most familiar to me.
Several painful cavities throb in my lower jaw, teeth destroyed by dissolving sublingual buprenorphine tablets. Gradually eroding the enamel off of the teeth with it's hydrochloride base. Hardcore pharmaceutical candy with a toxic lemon/lime flavor.
Being the risk taker that I am, I took a total of 10 tramadol hydrochloride (500mg) all at once to ease myself of this suffering. I am very high, and feel as if I am floating outside of my own body and that my soul is bouncing when I walk. The pain has dissipated, although I am aware that the pain is still lightly there, my mind is now occupied by the tramadol.
An uneasy thought has washed over me just now, and that is that I could be going through Serotonin Syndrome with the way I feel right now.
Tramadol doesn't feel much like other opioids, rather it feels like a cheap synthetic high. I am just happy to not be in pain for a little while. Lexapro, Tramadol and Buprenorphine are probably not the safest combination.
As I said earlier, I'm a risk taker.
And I love it!
I need caffeine...
During a recent seance held by myself and a good friend, using a self designed Talking Board; I had the opportunity to speak to my deceased cousin/best friend who died August 9, 2008.
One thing I cannot remove from my mind is the 'message' I was given. That message is the title of this blog post...No Love Is Bad. I'm still trying to make sense of this message, yet I know deep in my heart it is true and that I have problems with loving others and being loved myself.
What I don't know is why I have problems with love...is it because I am doped to the eyeball on Escitalopram (Lexapro) and Buprenorphine (Suboxone), Caffeine and Nicotine? Being on antidepressant medication for a decade and being opiate dependent for the last half of that decade may be a strong decisive factor in my ability to feel normal.
Pretty much all day, every day I feel 'nothing'. Only fury and rage when I DO feel anything. I get the impression that this lack of feeling is horribly contrary to being human...yet it is comforting to not experience daily anxiety, depression and self loathing.
This is why I want to disappear.
Growing up and experiencing relentless abuse takes its toll on a boy becoming a man. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and shown it. Boy did I get shown...the whip, the fists, the rage, the demon called dad taking all his frustrations on quiet little Anton who kept to himself.
Love.
Love. When a partner lies about having cancer, is that love? Why he did that to me, I will never understand.
One day a special someone shall come my way. Who will show me love, and show me how to love and not through deceitful means.
One day.
One day God will take me home.
11:11
Why dost the double 11 follow me about so? Is it really our Creator talking?
Is God really a number? Am I losing my fucking mind as I continually ponder?
Who knows...
The desire to leave Earth is so strong it's overwhelming me. It's horrible here.
Shine the planet with beautiful Light to save her soul...if we haven't we killed her.
Mysterious Ouija provides not a glimpse of whats coming. The spirits remain strangely silent on whats next. Lying motherfuckers...
God did I not wish to be taken away? Many a time I should have died by my own hand...but then you saved me every time. Pharmaceuticals are never enough.
Obviously my Creator loves me, loves us...ALL.
Eternal.
But what to do about the next few years...
Many years ago as a young boy he had dreams.
He couldn't wait to be older and achieve them.
Today stands a man with shattered dreams.
And a tattered and torn heart.
When my lover deceives me into thinking he had cancer...
What was I supposed to do?
So little this soul must have thought of me.
I, of course, realize he is just like everyone else...
Never hold a human being on a pedestal.
Lest you be prepared for the rude awakening.
Now I've learnt my lesson in Love.
May I never fall for it again.
I wish to hide behind our Sol.
And be reborn by Venus.
To shine as a twin Sun.
A cosmic birth, a radiant buzz.
...and he was disappointed in His creation.
A Junkie hath been born!
