No Love Is Bad

During a recent seance held by myself and a good friend, using a self designed Talking Board; I had the opportunity to speak to my deceased cousin/best friend who died August 9, 2008.

One thing I cannot remove from my mind is the 'message' I was given. That message is the title of this blog post...No Love Is Bad. I'm still trying to make sense of this message, yet I know deep in my heart it is true and that I have problems with loving others and being loved myself.

What I don't know is why I have problems with love...is it because I am doped to the eyeball on Escitalopram (Lexapro) and Buprenorphine (Suboxone), Caffeine and Nicotine? Being on antidepressant medication for a decade and being opiate dependent for the last half of that decade may be a strong decisive factor in my ability to feel normal.

Pretty much all day, every day I feel 'nothing'. Only fury and rage when I DO feel anything. I get the impression that this lack of feeling is horribly contrary to being human...yet it is comforting to not experience daily anxiety, depression and self loathing.

This is why I want to disappear.

Growing up and experiencing relentless abuse takes its toll on a boy becoming a man. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and shown it. Boy did I get shown...the whip, the fists, the rage, the demon called dad taking all his frustrations on quiet little Anton who kept to himself.

Love.

Love. When a partner lies about having cancer, is that love? Why he did that to me, I will never understand.

One day a special someone shall come my way. Who will show me love, and show me how to love and not through deceitful means.

One day.

One day God will take me home.