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Being bombarded with emails, sms's, phone calls and snail mail by my ex is really beginning to cramp my style.
I'm starting to feel extremely disturbed at his attempts to make me feel bad and ever calling me nasty, saying that I take pleasure in hurting people, especially him.
Poor misguided fool. As an INFP personality type according to repeated Myers-Briggs personality tests, I know his assumptions are dead wrong and thoroughly misguided. I avoid conflict like the plague and never set out to deliberately hurt another human being, especially one I have feelings for.
What my ex man failed to realize was that one cannot have a truly open relationship with a drug addict like me. I told him this repeatedly.
Right now I've swallowed 5 Valium and 5 Tramadol just for the sake of it as I'm very upset.
We have arranged to talk tomorrow in person to return each others belongings and I sure hope it goes well.
Wish me luck
With Love and Light
Approximately 5 years ago when I was 23, I got myself circumcised and this was the beginning of my downfall.
I was already a drug user, and at the time I was withdrawing from a Xanax addiction. After the operation I was given Oxycodone tablets...and I loved them and how they made me feel so damn good and pain free. I kept taking Oxycodone and when I ran out I began using large amounts of Codeine and over the years the amount I was taking grew considerably.
3 years later and very heavily addicted to opiates I am grossing 1000mg+ a day of Codeine. I could not control the urge to be high 24/7 and I was scared to death of withdrawal.
I had a pharmacy roster and had over 40 regular pharmacies I would travel to to acquire codeine tablets. It was when some of the pharmacists got suspicious and banned me from buying codeine that I went to the Drug Treatment centre and sought help in the form of Suboxone.
And to this day I am still on Suboxone. This technically I am still a junkie.
Got questions? Ask and I shall answer...
With Love and Light
Exhausted. Another sleepless night endured. Desire to sleep is almost overwhelming and I struggle to find the correct words to use in my typing. It has just hit 11:30am and I've been awake since 4.13am yesterday morning.
What is the main cause of my insomnia? Well currently it is pain. My fucking jaw throbs so damn bad at night as soon as I lay down. The trouble is, I cannot fall asleep sitting up so I spent the a large portion of the night sitting huddled with head and arms on knees. I was wishing for death. I am so close to snapping as this ever continuing pain is butchering my enjoyment of, and enthusiasm for, life itself.
I dream of the day when my turn comes for the dental clinic and I can get the offending teeth treated appropriately. Right now I also dream of consuming copious amounts of Morphine and other opiates to just be free of the pain. I just want to feel happy and balanced and not always fighting the psychological effects of prolonged pain.
God, can you please help? This suffering is causing me to resent everything and everyone and that is not me.
Please pray a few words for me.
For the first time in almost a year I am crying. The last time I cried was when my best friend died in August, 08.
No-one has died this time, instead I am in the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, several teeth in my lower left jaw have decayed quite badly due to the extremely acidic Suboxone that is dissolved in my mouth daily, coating my teeth and eroding into the tooth pulp...right where the nerves are, exposed and letting me know about it.
These tears I am releasing are tears of frustration, for I am at my wits end. I am in pain every single day in some way or another and have been for quite a few years and this dental pain is becoming unbearable. When it flares it really hits hard.
Being poor really sucks too. It could take another year to get into the public dental clinic to have the offending teeth removed. Unless some miracle happens, I am doomed to be in agonizing pain for a long time coming and that thought makes me want to kill myself. Everyone just says 'go get them ripped out' like it's so easy and affordable.
It is heartless and cruel of my Dr to deny me effective pain relief when he has examined my teeth first hand. He claims Suboxone would do the job in stopping pain (lol), but of course he has never taken Suboxone and has no clue that one becomes immune to the analgesic effects of the drug. I need Oxycodone. The most effective opiated pain relievers are those that occupy the mind the most.
At this moment I am seriously considering requesting a switch to Methadone as it's probably the only thing my doctor might consider to help my pain...it is not healthy to have to take an overdose of Tramadol for pain relief. Clove oil and benzocaine only work to slightly dull the pain.
God take me now or please make some effective pain relief come my way.
If only...
All better! With a fresh 8mg worth of Buprenorphine inhabiting my receptors, my sense of well being is at optimum levels. It's all perfect...except I need a cigarette and I got none! Think I may turn to nicotine lozenges for awhile as cigarettes are becoming ridiculously expensive. Thank you Australian Govt, for taxing cigarettes to an extraordinarily ridiculous level. They must really care about us!!! Or is it the money?
What to do for the rest of my day off work?
Oh and right now I just glanced at the clock and of course it reads 11:11 am. Another 11:11 time prompt...
I see at least four 11:11's a day and not just on digital clocks. They are appearing everywhere, from architecture to mobile phone!! Please do let me know if you experience these time prompts yourself and share what the 11:11 visions mean to you personally.
I am truly beginning to believe that 11:11 time prompts are a wake up call to those who experience them. To wake us up and help us realize who we truly are. For we are all eternal and beautiful spiritual being, all connected yet all uniquely individual. We are the product of intelligent design. We are love.
I Am.
With Love and Light
