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I am terrible. When it comes to acquiring pharmaceuticals I find the actor in comes alive, and I'm no actor by all means.
This doctor I visited so apprehensively yesterday to acquire my next two months of daily drugs, and one of those drugs is a 5mg tablet called Valium. Now I don't find Valium particularly appealing myself but fuck me, whenever there is a chance to acquiring Valium (or any other quality pharm), them most likely I will take it just to see what it does!
This was yesterday, now I only have less than 15 pills and my mind is wondering where the hell they all went? Did I sleepwalk last night (as I do) and actually consume a dose equating 10 tablets? I don't remember except I slept through the whole night (first time in months!).
If this is true then I must have sleepwalked and no wonder I woke up so late today, groggy as hell!
Ah, pill adventures! Too bad I never remember them!
I tried to add a pic to this post but for some reason I cannot...
With Love and Light
4:19am as I begin this post thanks to yet another early wakening thanks to the oh so familiar jaw pain. Anyway off that shit...
I've been reading a fascinating yet extremely disturbing true life book called 'The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things' by J.T. Leroy...it is a book that must be read to comprehend the horror of this story and journey.
As I sit here smoking some quality dope, I'm finally allowed some respite from severe pain...it's now just an ever present throb. Maybe Valium will help relax me too!
I have to meet up with my ex-man later today for us to return each others belonging. Originally he was being a horrid bastard the past few weeks but yesterday surprised me by not demanding all the gifts back as he was doing recently.
I hope it all goes well and I shall relate what happened here later on.
With Love and Light and lots of 11:11's to you all :)
Being bombarded with emails, sms's, phone calls and snail mail by my ex is really beginning to cramp my style.
I'm starting to feel extremely disturbed at his attempts to make me feel bad and ever calling me nasty, saying that I take pleasure in hurting people, especially him.
Poor misguided fool. As an INFP personality type according to repeated Myers-Briggs personality tests, I know his assumptions are dead wrong and thoroughly misguided. I avoid conflict like the plague and never set out to deliberately hurt another human being, especially one I have feelings for.
What my ex man failed to realize was that one cannot have a truly open relationship with a drug addict like me. I told him this repeatedly.
Right now I've swallowed 5 Valium and 5 Tramadol just for the sake of it as I'm very upset.
We have arranged to talk tomorrow in person to return each others belongings and I sure hope it goes well.
Wish me luck
With Love and Light
Approximately 5 years ago when I was 23, I got myself circumcised and this was the beginning of my downfall.
I was already a drug user, and at the time I was withdrawing from a Xanax addiction. After the operation I was given Oxycodone tablets...and I loved them and how they made me feel so damn good and pain free. I kept taking Oxycodone and when I ran out I began using large amounts of Codeine and over the years the amount I was taking grew considerably.
3 years later and very heavily addicted to opiates I am grossing 1000mg+ a day of Codeine. I could not control the urge to be high 24/7 and I was scared to death of withdrawal.
I had a pharmacy roster and had over 40 regular pharmacies I would travel to to acquire codeine tablets. It was when some of the pharmacists got suspicious and banned me from buying codeine that I went to the Drug Treatment centre and sought help in the form of Suboxone.
And to this day I am still on Suboxone. This technically I am still a junkie.
Got questions? Ask and I shall answer...
With Love and Light
Exhausted. Another sleepless night endured. Desire to sleep is almost overwhelming and I struggle to find the correct words to use in my typing. It has just hit 11:30am and I've been awake since 4.13am yesterday morning.
What is the main cause of my insomnia? Well currently it is pain. My fucking jaw throbs so damn bad at night as soon as I lay down. The trouble is, I cannot fall asleep sitting up so I spent the a large portion of the night sitting huddled with head and arms on knees. I was wishing for death. I am so close to snapping as this ever continuing pain is butchering my enjoyment of, and enthusiasm for, life itself.
I dream of the day when my turn comes for the dental clinic and I can get the offending teeth treated appropriately. Right now I also dream of consuming copious amounts of Morphine and other opiates to just be free of the pain. I just want to feel happy and balanced and not always fighting the psychological effects of prolonged pain.
God, can you please help? This suffering is causing me to resent everything and everyone and that is not me.
Please pray a few words for me.
